You raise me up

If you read my previous blog post you know that on October 2nd I ran a 10k. It's been on my mind to give an update on my experience. The schedule of my current life happenings keeps thwarting my plans to sit down and let the words flow from my mind to my heart to the keyboard. So, although this has to be short, I must express myself! The morning of the race filled me with a nausea inducing fear and elation that churned with a ferocious speed in my bowels. After the third trip to the bathroom, it was time to line up. So many thoughts raced through my head that my heart rate was elevated long before the start gun exploded. What if I fail? What if I collapse? What if? What if? What if? And then "bam", there it was! It never ceases to amaze me how the start gun always sends a jolt through my already quivering body. I was off. Running, running, running. Just keep running, just keep running. The first mile was the worst. Yep, I had only just begun and the fear of failing was stealing every precious breath I needed to endure this long race. My doubts were getting the best of me and I knew I had to change my thinking, quick! There is so much about running that is "in the head" and my head was in an extremely negative place. On top of this the enemy of my soul chose to barrage me with his sinister lies in my moment of weakness and vulnerability. The ugly and sinister voice of evil mocked me with reminders of my heart's cry for the broken women I was running for. "You will never be able to complete this race," he said. "You told people you were running as an expression of God's amazing love for them and you are going to fail." And then the mantra begain, "fail, fail, fail, failure, failing, you will fail, never make it, you can't even fake it, you are a failure;" Round and round the circle of lies wound its way through my psyche and into my heart and that's when the dam broke. Running along that trail I began to weep bitter tears and, although the race wasn't even finished, tasting the agony of defeat. I believed the lies. I saw myself falling to the side, curling up in a ball, and lying there with a big F on my chest. I could not stop the tears from flowing even as I continued to put one foot in front of the other. That's when I heard a new voice in my desert. This moment of weakness proved to be the moment of breakthrough. God, in His great mercy, whispered words dripping with love into my broken places. How is it that God's whisper's are so much louder than the hater's shouts? "Jillian, I have loved you with an everlasting love and you are a winner!" He said I was a winner! He gently reminded me that the passion instilled in me for others, those I was running for, is the same passion He has for me. And then I began to laugh through my tears! At this point I was thankful to be alone on the trail because I am sure I looked like a mad woman. If you can picture with me that moment you would see an average woman, tears spilling down her cheeks, laughter bursting out of her mouth as the Hand Of God reach down from heaven and lifted my feet from the mire. It was truly a spiritual experience that is emblazoned on my heart for eternity. God in His amazing mercy allowed me to feel His presence in a truly unique way as I literally felt Him raise me up. My feet felt lighter, my chin pointed higher and my lungs were filled with the sweet breath of God's love for me. And so I ran on and on I ran until I finished, knocking off close to three minutes of my previous time. What a moment! I am humbled by the love of my Jesus for me, a broken vessel, who fumbles and fails on an hourly basis, it seems. For it is only Him who can raise me up to be more than I can be! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faKFcfytlxU